Hello there, my name’s Tatum. I’ve been running this blog for a whole year now and couldn’t be happier with it! I’ve followed some great people and shared my story with them. Share yours with me? I’d love to hear it.
2 and a half years ago I was scouted in a mall and asked if I wanted to model. I just remember the happiness i felt; knowing someone from a big city who owned a modeling agency wanted ME to be a model representing their company. A few weeks later I went in, wrote down my information and got a few snap shots taken. At the time though, I had a mouth full of metal. They told me they wouldn’t be able to sign a contract with me until I got my braces off. Here and there I received texts from the husband who owned the modeling agency saying they wanted me come to castings for modeling gigs but I never ended up getting the jobs…
During that time I was also involved in a severely unhealthy, toxic relationship. Thinking back, I remember all the ways he’d compare me to other girls he knew, or even models/porn stars and actresses. Not knowing it, his words stuck. His words began to linger in my brain and left me wondering why I wasn’t ever good enough for him- for anyone. It affected me more than I knew, and here I am 3 years later still feeling the affects of it.
Anyway, when I finally got my braces off in June 2011, I was overjoyed and ready to start modeling. I contacted them and they let me know they look though the information they had of mine and call back to set up an appointment to come in. I waited a long time, hoping they were just caught up with photo shoots and other models. But weeks past and I realized they weren’t going to call.
Finally, I was told I wasn’t what they were looking for anymore, and in my mind I translated it to- You’re too fat. Your lips aren’t plump enough. Your ears are too big. You just aren’t beautiful enough to be a model of ours” I’ve convinced myself that they dropped me because of my weight and it lead me to a great deal of grief.
Still, I did nothing to change myself. I weighed myself regularly and kept up with being active but never really came to the decision to lose weight. I wouldn’t say I was happy with who I was, I just didn’t have enough motivation to change and enjoyed eating whatever and however much I desired.
This last summer changed it all though. I moved to Miami, Florida. There I was surrounded by gorgeous young woman in bikinis and found myself wondering if I wanted to keep going on with my unhealthy diet and thunder thighs.
The combination of seeing perfect girls on Tumblr everyday, getting dropped by my “almost-modeling-agency”, and noticing how much bigger I’ve become led me to where I’m at today.
I’ve realized so much. We cannot base our self worth off the number we see on the scale, and we cannot let ourselves be stuck in this downward spiral society calls perfection. Only we determine our self worth. And that is the beginning and the end.